That title feels very facebook-was-just-invented-time-to-have-a-DTR (define the relationship). And well, it is pretty much that way. Minus facebook just being invented – that’s (obviously) been happening a while.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to write this honestly, with some humor, and without it being too heavy. Parts of this are mine to tell, and parts of it really aren’t. Turns out relationships with human beings are complicated and often confusing. So here it goes.
I am getting divorced. After a long, intentional, emotionally invested and exhausting process, Dan and I decided to separate earlier this year. This is not a decision we came to lightly, and was truly born out of months and months of talking, reflecting, considering, dreaming, and discerning. It’s been quite different than my childhood understanding of divorce – where something bad happens, two people split, and then they kind of hate each other forever (or at least for a while).
For us, our relationship had shifted so much from what it was at the beginning, and rather than this big awful thing, divorce felt like naming something that was already happening. It was (and still is sometimes) painful, sad, confusing, frustrating, and probably every other emotion that exists. And amazingly, something we did, and are doing, out of care and love for each other.
I am immensely grateful to have spent the last 6 years with a really great human being, and to have grown, together, and as individuals. I’m so grateful for the companionship, snuggles, open and honest communication, countless walks spent dreaming and wondering, and Dan’s partnership through the difficult, trying, and exciting times of life.
This has been a mixed bag of a transition – parts of it feeling very sad, heavy, and exhausting. And parts of it feeling freeing, relieving, and full of new possibilities. I’m a pre-griever hard core, so I’ve spent months feeling ALL the feelings and wrestling with my own fears, anxieties, and longings.
After Dan moved out, I spent some dedicated time cleaning and recreating my room and my space. As I swept and dusted, doing something tangible with my hands and my body helped me ease the transition. I brought a whole bunch of plants into my space, and rearranged all the furniture (apparently transition can sometimes give one super strength, also known as questionable judgement about one’s own abilities).
Now I find myself in a paradoxical place of loss and new beginnings. It’s been a LONG time since I was single, and that is both exciting, strange, lonely, scary, and freeing. I feel the loss of companionship and snuggles. I feel the room to know myself anew as I’m becoming in this part of my life. I’m dreaming and I’m grieving. It’s all mixed up together.