If you happened to be following along for my #31daysofTRUTH posts in January, you may have noticed that I disappeared suddenly…
If I’m being totally honest with you, I have been trying to figure out how to write this blog post for DAYS and DAYS and DAYS. So without further ado – I’m sorry for disappearing. Truly. Thank you for everyone who has been holding me in the light/prayers/healing. I’m so grateful for each of you. Here’s what happened:
Remember how I started taking an anti-anxiety medication at the end of 2016 (I may have referred to it as a MIRACLE OF THE UNIVERSE)? Well, it turns out that particular miracle and I were not meant to last.
After a couple weeks of feeling alive and free, I started to have some very odd and intense side-effects. I stopped sleeping. And eating very much. It wasn’t like a conscious decision, more like there was so much energy in my body that I couldn’t slow down long enough to sleep or eat, even when I spent hours trying. I was in constant motion for DAYS.
As you might imagine, not sleeping (and not eating too, for that matter) can have a pretty serious impact on one’s all around health and well-being. In addition to this, I discovered that I was having a rare and pretty extreme reaction to the medication. The combo of these factors in my case involved a lot of singing & dancing, openness to the mystical and magical, terrifying dreams/visions/hallucinations, an awful ER visit, too many phone calls & visits with doctors, and many painful and scary days of getting the medication out of my body.
I’m saying all this a little tongue-in-cheek right now, but honestly, it was one of the most intense and terrifying things I have ever gone through. I’m so grateful to my family, friends, housemates, folks I work with, and everyone who helped me through the last month.
By the time we all realized what was happening and after my family rushed me to the ER, there wasn’t time for careful planning & communicating. I went on an sudden medical leave from my work. My parents let me stay at their house and different members of my family and friends held space for me (and often stayed up through the night with me) while I tried to come down from that terrible, magical, and treacherous mountain I was up on for a bit.
I am so grateful to be alive.
I have cried and screamed and sang and danced and tried to sleep more in the first month and week of 2017 than I ever thought was possible. During the most intense part of the side-effects, reactions, and withdrawals, I came face-to-face with a lot of my fears. I felt trapped in my body, and all I could do was wait and see if I could get to the other side.
If that sounds dramatic – damn – it was.
The last few weeks have been much slower and filled with rest and space for healing. I am healing. Slowly in some ways, and surprisingly quickly in others. And I’m spending a lot of time listening and learning to listen more deeply – to my body, to spirit, to my family, to my friends, to my community, to the earth, plants, animals, and even the spiders around me (I know that last one might be the most shocking).
I’ve been spending my medical leave and recovery time caring for plants, dusting and cleaning, slowly folding piles of laundry, meditating more than I imagined I would ever want to, having dance parties with my 4 year old housemate, learning to be tender with myself, and cultivating openness to the painful, surprising, magical, hard, and gentle truths of this time in my life.
How do you end a post like this?? Expletives? Prayers? Poems? Humor? An Arnold Schwarzenegger style, “I’m back..sort of?”
Basically, 2017 is off to a weird start in my little corner of the world. I never want to go through that again, and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I imagine I’ll be sorting through the pieces of all this for a while. And hopefully I’m back to blogging/communicating in general a bit more regularly 🙂