It is so relieving to finally write out all this truth (and me oh my there is more to come!). I can’t tell you how many blog posts I started and never finished last year because I wasn’t ready to say it all/didn’t know how yet. Thank you for journeying with me, and bearing witness to my truth.
I mentioned in my last post that I’ve been hiding away and trying to heal. During this messy and often frustrating process, here’s what I’m noticing:
1. Healing happens in waves
There have been waves of distress, despair, and panic. And waves of joy, new life, and places of grace. It’s not really linear at all, and for most of the process I’m not totally sure I’m moving forward. And then a wave of goodness comes, and relief washes over me. These moments are hope in the darkness.
2. Asking for help is HARD (and needed)
I don’t particularly like asking for help anyways, but when I’m in an anxious despairing place, I feel a lot of self-doubt and fear. I take things personally and am THE MOST SENSITIVE PERSON EVER. I’ve found over and over that when I’ve asked for what I need, people respond with love and support. Not every time (there are still butts in the world, and also sometimes people are just trying to deal with their own shit), but enough to make me think there is something awesome about being this whole interconnection business.
3. POETRY IS EVERYTHING
Ok, that was dramatic. But seriously, writing, reading, seeing, listening, and feeling poetry has been healing balm to my aching body and soul. I’m pretty sure rupi kaur’s milk and honey saved me last summer. I read and wrote, and re-read my own poems from the last few years. There’s gonna be a book filled with my soul soon.
4. Silence and Stories
I have never wanted and dreaded silence so much as this last year. My skin drank it in, and my tears cried it out. When I couldn’t sit with myself alone (which was a lot) I listened to novels and memoirs about magic and badass women who told their own stories. I found myself in them, and they knit me together again (and still are, as I am SO NOT DONE yet).
5. What is true is already true
This keeps coming up for me. I discovered that I am AWESOME at denial. Like, really good. I kept myself busy, caffeinated, and squeaky clean to avoid the reality that I’m actually kind of a hot mess. I’ve been afraid to name things that are true and speak them out loud, because that means they really are true and then I have to deal with that shit. Well, it turns out, the truth is already true. So me saying it to myself (and others) doesn’t change anything or suddenly mean everything is awful or different. Actually I’ve found that acknowledging the truth, even scary potentially life-changing ones, is like breathing again. It’s a relief. And filled with freedom alongside the unknowns.
6. I am not alone
Pain and healing are like two well-worn paths winding their way over and under and through each other. Though for some parts I have felt so alone, in the depths of despair I’ve found companionship, solidarity, and people who are willing to love me in all stages of disrepair. And I need those people. I need the light and life of the quirky, delightful, ridiculous friends, companions, family, and community around me.
7. The world is ready for truth
Friends, when I had this idea for #31daysofTRUTH in the middle of the night and thought “life hurts so much right now, what do I have to lose?” I had no idea the kind of response I would get. In the 8 days of 2017 I have had almost DOUBLE the amount of views on this blog than the ENTIRE YEAR OF 2016. WTF? I’m surprised, shocked, and inspired to keep sharing.
I’m in process. It’s a back and forth and forwards and backwards type of deal. I spent several hours today panicking. I also took a really healing epson salt bath and gave myself a foot massage. I talked to some of my best friends. I spent an hour on the bathroom floor with my head pressed to the cold tile trying to breathe. I took down my Christmas tree. I drank lots of water. I’m healing. And it hurts. And I’m healing.