Earlier today I was feeling rather sensitive about life, myself, and joking. I turned to my playful husband and asked, “Will you love and adore me?”
“Only if you love and adore yourself.”
I was a little surprised. I expected him to say, “Of course!” and then tell me how wonderful I am.
“Have I not done a very good job loving myself today?” I timidly asked.
“You could do better,” he said as he gave me a big hug.
Then I started thinking about today. How after I finished a big paper, all I could think about was what I probably messed up, how heretical I was, and how I hoped it was good enough. How I beat myself up for silly, fleeting thoughts. How I packaged up a really big order from my Etsy shop, and I wondered if my art was worth that much money, if it was good enough. I was starting to get a head-ache, and I felt anxious all over.
Yeah, I guess I wasn’t really doing a great job of loving and adoring myself.
My sweet husband, who’s probably the best at loving me, said that he could only love me as much as I loved myself. Here’s the thing: sometimes I don’t feel worth loving. I look at myself and I just see how much I need to grow, how raw and rough I am. How I say, think, and do stupid things. I doubt my talent. I’m unsure of my giftedness. I wonder if I’m good enough.
Some days it’s really hard to remember, that if all I do is wake up in the morning and sit in bed watching TV shows all day – I am good enough. Even if I accomplish nothing, there is something worthy and beautiful about me just because I’m me – Sarah, a human being, created in the image of God.
I feel selfish for even saying that! And yet, some still small voice inside me says its true. For me, and for you. We are worthy before we do anything. We are beautiful simply for being alive and being us.
Tonight, I’m going to try to be kind to myself. To take deep breaths. To take care of my body with good food and rest. And to shoo away all thoughts of unworthiness and the not-good-enoughs.
I am worthy of being loved and adored.